One more painful break-up. Or maybe not painful, maybe one that leaves you feeling indifferent and — empty. Yet in the beginning everything was so perfect. He was perfect. You entered this relationship with high hopes that he may be “the One.” When and how did you miss the red flags?
1. Before the first date: What are you looking for?
This is something to consider way before you go out to meet your potential partner. It seems obvious, don’t we all want the same things: companionship, someone to go out and have fun with, someone to go on vacation with, someone who will pick us up from the airport… You need to go to a deeper level to answer this question. A love relationship absolutely requires a deep intimate connection with your partner. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to share the same interests, but it means that each of you is willing to accept and love the other including all of the person: interests, beliefs, habits, flaws, etc.
Tip:
Identify the feeling. Ask yourself: What is the feeling that I crave most of all when I think of my future partner? To be accepted, loved, understood? That feeling will help you come up with a list of 3 to 5 things that are most important for you in a partner, and that you will share with him. They will be the base for your relationship.
2. What do you have to bring to the table?
Make sure that what you identified in the previous question is also something that you are willing to give to your partner; meaning that you are willing to give him the same level of acceptance, love and support that you expect from him. More often than not when we think about a relationship we only think about what it will do for us. Make sure you are prepared to be for him everything you want him to be for you.
3. Are you looking for someone to “complete” you?
Probably the most common cause of drama in relationships is co-dependence. If you can’t stand on your own two feet financially, or emotionally, or in any other way; and you expect your partner to provide maintenance in your weak area you are headed for an emotional roller coaster ending in a break-up or a miserable marriage. If you are driven by fear or desperation; if your self-description is anything other than “independent, confident, self-loving,” you need to do inner work to resolve your issues before you go out to meet your potential partner.Because if you don’t, you are bound to attract a man who will painfully expose your inner issues forcing you to face them over and over again.
4. What do you see in him?
Notice that all we’ve talked about so far has to be done prior to meeting a potential partner. It is the work you absolutely have to do in order to prepare yourself for a relationship.
This last part comes when you’ve met him and are trying to figure out if he is the right match for you. The trick is to stay connected with that original feeling that you described in the first question and your list of 3 most important qualities. It is easy to get distracted by appearances (and other shiny things), and forget what really matters to you.
How does he make you feel (besides excited)? Make sure that you can see through the surface facade and into his inner world to decide whether or not he truly is a match for what you want.
If he isn’t, don’t hesitate to let go. He won’t make you happy. Now that you have clarity about what you want, and are free from doubt and insecurity about yourself, you are positioned to attract the right man.