One more painful break-up. Or maybe not painful, maybe one that leaves you feeling indifferent and — empty. Yet in the beginning everything was so perfect. He was perfect. You entered this relationship with high hopes that he may be “the One.” When and how did you miss the red flags?

1. Before the first date: What are you looking for?

This is something to consider way before you go out to meet your potential partner. It seems obvious, don’t we all want the same things: companionship, someone to go out and have fun with, someone to go on vacation with, someone who will pick us up from the airport… You need to go to a deeper level to answer this question. A love relationship absolutely requires a deep intimate connection with your partner. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to share the same interests, but it means that each of you is willing to accept and love the other including all of the person: interests, beliefs, habits, flaws, etc.

Tip:

Identify the feeling. Ask yourself: What is the feeling that I crave most of all when I think of my future partner? To be accepted, loved, understood? That feeling will help you come up with a list of 3 to 5 things that are most important for you in a partner, and that you will share with him. They will be the base for your relationship.

2. What do you have to bring to the table?

Make sure that what you identified in the previous question is also something that you are willing to give to your partner; meaning that you are willing to give him the same level of acceptance, love and support that you expect from him. More often than not when we think about a relationship we only think about what it will do for us. Make sure you are prepared to be for him everything you want him to be for you.

3. Are you looking for someone to “complete” you?

Probably the most common cause of drama in relationships is co-dependence. If you can’t stand on your own two feet financially, or emotionally, or in any other way; and you expect your partner to provide maintenance in your weak area you are headed for an emotional roller coaster ending in a break-up or a miserable marriage. If you are driven by fear or desperation; if your self-description is anything other than “independent, confident, self-loving,” you need to do inner work to resolve your issues before you go out to meet your potential partner.Because if you don’t, you are bound to attract a man who will painfully expose your inner issues forcing you to face them over and over again.

4. What do you see in him?

Notice that all we’ve talked about so far has to be done prior to meeting a potential partner. It is the work you absolutely have to do in order to prepare yourself for a relationship.

This last part comes when you’ve met him and are trying to figure out if he is the right match for you. The trick is to stay connected with that original feeling that you described in the first question and your list of 3 most important qualities. It is easy to get distracted by appearances (and other shiny things), and forget what really matters to you.

How does he make you feel (besides excited)? Make sure that you can see through the surface facade and into his inner world to decide whether or not he truly is a match for what you want.

If he isn’t, don’t hesitate to let go. He won’t make you happy. Now that you have clarity about what you want, and are free from doubt and insecurity about yourself, you are positioned to attract the right man.

If you have doubts about your relationship, or if it is already circling the drain, think about these 4 “secrets”. They will help you to find and maintain a happy relationship. Then put them into action in your own situation. You might suddenly start looking at your relationship in a whole new way.

1. Be Glad for What You Have Part 1

How to be in a happy relationship, you wonder? Maybe you already are, but you just don’t know it. Sit yourself down and make a list of every single thing, large and small, that your spouse does for you every day, without talking about it. And without complaining or expecting thanks.

Include even tiny things like putting the toothpaste cap back on, as well as looking after the kids while you watch The Simpsons. Or filling up your car’s gas tank, or taking out the garbage. You may suddenly realize, Hey, my spouse is really great!

2. Problems? Do This…

Problems and rough spots? Well, duhhh… every relationship has ‘em. No surprise there. So be the first to make the effort to talk about them, and reconnect with your spouse. Break through the person barrier we all put up around ourselves. Be friendly. Say Hi, how did your day go?

Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend, so share your life and your world with him or her. Do things together. This makes for a more casual, easy-going atmosphere, where there is less pressure on the two of you to be perfect. Where it is easier to open up and talk things over.

3. Keep Living Your Own Dreams

Keep up your own outside interests and passions. Stay up to date in your career or favorite hobby. Do not depend totally on your spouse for your happiness and personal development. That is your responsibility. Get out more, meet people and try new things. This will make you a better, more alert and appealing person to those around you, especially your spouse.

It will also help keep the spark alive in your relationship. In a word, it prevents you from falling into a rut, and getting stuck there. Nothing in this world ever stays the same. The best relationships change and grow with time. That’s what makes them so exciting and thrilling. If all you want is a stable friendship, get a horse!

4. Be Glad for What You Have Part 2

Be satisfied with what you have, not with what you don’t have. That may sound weird. It means, you will not find contentment if you long for things you do not have. Few of us have an unlimited supply of cash. So there is always stuff we lust for but do not or cannot have. Now here is the big point: THINGS will not and cannot bring you long-term joy and happiness.

Only two people can do that. To find them, do this. First, look in a mirror. Second, really look at that person sitting across the dinner table from you. Congratulations! You found them. Now, answer me this. Are you getting your three square meals a day? Do you have a roof over your head? Yes? Then you should be thankful for what you have, while trying to better yourself, of course.

Are you struggling with Christian codependency? If you answered yes, then you probably experience feeling guilty often in your relationships. Codependents struggle with guilt in relationships because they hold untrue beliefs about relationships. They need to change their inaccurate beliefs about relationships to the following true beliefs:

• You are not responsible for other people; you are responsible for yourself. You cannot prevent the people you love from experiencing the pain of their actions. God wants to use consequences to encourage them to change their behavior (Galatians 6:7-8). All of us will experience pain. Pain helps us grow. Each person has the right and dignity to choose how to live his/her life.
• You don’t have to meet the demands of the people in your life-no matter how close they are to you. The more a person pushes you to do what he/she wants and the more guilt, anger, threats, pouting, and pressure thrown at you, the greater the emotional manipulation. Shift your guilt into recognizing that it is wrong to give into manipulation and that God wants you to be shrewd and aware of people’s motives (Matthew 10:16).
• You don’t have to sacrifice for others unless you choose to (2 Corinthians 9:7). You not only have the right to say no, you have the responsibility to say no when you mean no and only say yes when you mean yes (Matthew 5:37). You need to have boundaries that protect your time, energy, emotions, and resources because they are yours to manage.
• God will hold you accountable for the choices you make not the choices others make. Jesus let the rich young ruler inquiring about eternal life walk away without making a commitment, even though he knew the man would be going to hell (Luke 18:18-23) . God recognizes personal choice and accountability and gives people the dignity and right to decide for themselves.

God uses guilt to help us identify when we have truly done wrong. Christian codependency leads us to feel that we’ve done wrong when we haven’t. Changing your beliefs allows you to let go of false guilt by identifying what your responsibilities to other people are and what they are not.

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